.
.
2012
AND YOU ARE THERE!
(Lord Willin*)
*In his love a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. (Proverbs 16:9)
Q
If You Were Born a Citizen Senior
This Stuff's for You ShurNuff
A Meat Pie Am I
Gar
(As in Mr. Brother Sleep)
aka 'Mr. Pastie'
___________Q_____________
What to Write Your Grandson, the Science Teacher:
Baby Your Garden Come Spring:
"Burp It!"
Philip m' boy...If by chance, you are considering a home work assignment in horticulture for your
middle school class, be my guest. Consider this subject lesson and BE a better person for the most part.
When it comes to Creation, God is in the details. Right down to the tiny Burpee seed. So if you are unable to tell a mustard seed from a bean seed, or which end is "up," your grand-daddy is forever grateful for God's best friend, W. Atlee Burpee's directions on every pack: "Dig and Plant." It's withstood the test of time. (Altho there's a whole lot of "a-bendin 'n' groaning a-goin on" in the process.) But, the table of contents printed in 5-pt. pica!? What's a Senior to do? No wonder, "Sweet Pea" is forever destined to show up in the vegetable patch, instead of the flower garden in the process! No wonder the Bible cautions that "at the age of 50 years, they must cease performing this work, and shall work no more."(1) Sounds good to me!
Take it from the Lord: "A little bird will tell them...a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."(2)
Must have been a parrot. A very lonely parrot.
Just tell em, Gran-Pop sent you.
Seniorously Yours.
IN OTHER WORDS: (1 ) Numbers 8:23-26 TLB (2 ) Eccelesiastes 7:9 TLB
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What to Write Senior Citizen Wannabe Anxiously Awaiting AARP Membership Card;
"Gabby Hayes Happens!"
First, the Whiskers...The Walk...The Talk. And then, suddenly...THE SQUINT!
Gabby Hayes BECOMES YOU!
No matter your gender. As sure as winter turns to Spring Day,
You awake, all bright eyed and bushy tailed, and you're eyeball-to-eyeball with "Mirror, Mirror on the Wall." (OK, OK, the medicine cabinet.) And there's that face a-starrin you right back. Yikes! It's Roy Roger's sassy sidekick, George "Gabby" Hayes, shur as tootin. I mean, you never in all your live long life, ever owned a "Boone"-style, true-beaver felt, panhandler cowboy hat That wide, pinched, curlled-up, sidewise, gold rush brim high on Gabby's low brow JUST ISN'T THE "YOU," you've growned to love. A sad-sack of a sight that even triggers "Trigger's" condescending "nay'' vote on every kind of weird headgear and body-pearcing known to mankind - cart blanche! (And you can't hardly get that no more.)
No two ways 'bout it, that's Ol' Grumpy's reflection. And I don't mean the supporting character in Walt Disney's animated "Snow White and the Seven Dwarf's" fame back in 1938.
No, no, no. Disheveled, disgruntled, dispersed, and disavowed chief cook and bottle washer, George Gabby Hayes, is "THE MAN." (As for those of the opposite gender, think Judy Canova.)
Without any advance warning, "unkempt" becomes you. If you, of all people, a former air raid warden during WW II, can no longer recognize a warning when you see one, what hope is there for the rest of us?
Robert Hall strikes again!
Suspenders stretchin' the envelope to bended knee, revealing redundant red, recycled long johns 'neath baggy pants, and socks rolled down, tippy-toe with your Red Ryder cowboy boots, is a "look" you don't see 'round these heah parts much any more. (Outside Senior Square, I dare say.)
Short on height, long on tooth, should surprise no one. God isn't about to alphabetize the Bible, neither.
As for adopting Gabby's squint, that can be traced to being married for over 60 years to the same woman!
You've done GO from a GQ fashion plate to a U.S. Steel boilerplate when you tweren't even lookin. (Bunk beds out in the bunkhouse can do that to a feller, quicker then you think!
Even tho "B" pictures scored high in my childhood, my report card was a totally different matter. But, as for the old codger, he was tops in his class. Would you believe Gabby's 146 westerns and a couple of serials eventually ranked thIs most unlikely of people, #2 in Box Office popularity. "Yer dern tootin!" (Did you hear a voice just then?)
The bottom line: That other Hays. The Hays censorship office never had to ban Gabby, Roy, or Trigger.
Seniorously Yours.
IN OTHER WORDS: "He will take these weak mortal bodies of ours and change them into glorious bodies like his own." Phillipians 3:21 NTL
___________Q_____________
What to Write on Your Wife's Birthday Card About That New Set of Wheels in the Garage:
"Amelia Airhart LIVES!"
SURPRISE! I Just treated you to a spankin new automobile for your birthday present. And you'll never guess the brand.
Yep! You'll never have to ride alone again.
Amelia is there for you.
The voice of the Jeep's GPS!
Sure, she's still lost in space "up there."
You know, somewhere over the Pacific.
But that's perfectly "OK." Gives America's former sweetheart more time to devote to giving you directions to the Kenneth Grand Opening! Why, you may even win the secret door prize!
Surprise! Surprise! Amelia's very much alive! LOOK! Up there! Bet that's her straddling Japan's wayward satellite! Or, is it Captain Kirk? (Be sure to wave on the next fly-by.)
Amelia's a senior citizen by now and has to make up her mind: Satellite or cellulite? Only Amelia knows for shurnuff.
Anyway, happy birthday, where 'er you be, Sister Amelia.
As for me, I never once have stopped to ask for directions, and I'm NOT abought to stop now.
Seniorously Yours.
IN OTHER WORDS: "Move from here to there and it will move,".Matthew 17, NIV)
___________Q____________
What to Write Your Grand Daughter on "The 3 Signs of Aging"
"Cadillac, Cataract, & Cardiac"
.
Congratulations on turning the ripe ol' age of 23. I knew you could do it!
As a Spring and Summer life guard, you've already began to fight the wrinkles with a ton of sun tan lotions.
But what you really have to watch out for is your first Cadillac; particularly the convertible. In red! followed in quick succession by the Cataract and the Cardiac.
So this Spring, suntan lotion isn't going to spare you "The Three C's." They're going 'n get you one way or the other. And much too soon.
Seniorously Yours.
IN OTHER WORDS" He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age." Ruth 4:15
___________Q____________
What to Write the Lucky Publisher-in-Wait
"No Way Great White Way!"
In this new year 2011 -- at long last; as editor of the 1947 Pen Argyl Pennsylvania High School year book--I've finally realized the class prediction may yet come true.
I was to become a famous author of note. The first serious challenge to Hemingway, most assuredly. OK, OK, OK, to be a writer on radio's Milton Berle Show would-a been kinda nice for a kid of 18, fresh from graduation ceremonies. You know, just for starters. As it turned out, I never got to break unleavened bread with Uncle Miltie (as he was to become known on TV in days of old); however, I did come close. Mightily so.
The local radio station in Easton, the Slate Belt's county seat, upon reading my satirical high school radio club scripts, took me under their wing, anxious to arrange an appointment with Berle's comedy writers for this new kid on the block. The show's team was considered to be the best jokesters in the business. Among them, a young unknown Neil Simon--WHO? Any way back then, children short of 21, were still accustomed to ask their parents for permission to catch the next Greyhound out of town. Remember, there was no GPS! Or green card. Or fence. And the word-to-the-wise on the part of my dad was a resounding: "NO!" Little Junior Sleep was not "allowed" to make my way to the Great White Way. No way. No how. Close. But no Mr. Television cigar!
When I heard a few years ago that Allen Stewart Konigsberg, alias Woody Allen, had been hired as a pre-Starbuck's coffee "gofer" on the Sid Caesar Show of Shows on TV, I was convinced I was no longer God's favorite. Like Woody, my Saturday nights would have been better spent in Gotham than in the 91st MP Battalion in the refuge city of Pusan, South Korea, during America's "forgotten war." (You have forgotten the Commies and the domino theory, maybe?) I guess the undernourished Brooklyn kid got a draft deferment simply because he was physically funnier looking than such as yours truly. Surely not smarter. (Horn & Hardart's 5-cent cup of Joe ain't smart.)
The only "upside" to my missing out on The Big Time is: the ancient treasure chest rendering of my original Stars & Stripes' cartoon panels, among "the best of the Korean War." Responsible for bringing both sides of the conflict to the peace table "BEGGING FOR PEACE IN OUR TIME!" An MP Battalion Troop Information & Education "officer" with Pfc. stripes worn proudly by day - I was a self-appointed Stars & Stripes contributing cartoonist by moonlight. That's right, General 'Ike' Eisenhower's famous ear-to-ear smile on the cover of Life wasn't triggered by his having just won the 1952 Presidential election, but most assuredly, that of my laff-out-loud humor inside the magazine's review of the S&S book, 'Out of Line.' And still available thru e-Bay as collector editions. Google-search Woody Allen's book during that same memorable period in humankind history, and there's no 'there' there. By golly! And gee-whiz! Seems I'm the one God chose to go down in antiquity after all. A little faith6 above and beyond never hurts, you know?
(Incidentally, my cartoon in the weekly magazine dramatized an elderly, dignified U.S. Senator searching out a fox hole, bombs bursting all around, and holding unto his hat for dear life, while urgently tapping an unsuspecting GI on the shoulder; and inquiring: "I say, are you the young man from Pennsylvania who wrote his Congressman?" Oh, if only Milton Berle had had it so good.
Mr. Publisher, returning to the present, please consider, herein, the excerpts I've lifted from recent e-mails I've authored to family, friends and strangers in the night; as a potential "Sleep On It!" sleeper. A ready-made newspaper or magazine column and a book by the same name. Only you can decide..."which." Don't let Stars & Stripes scoop you again!
Meanwhile, I'll keep my BlackBerry appointments at the ready, just in case my next Friday afternoon respite at Barnes & Noble will be a book-signing marathon (crowds lined-up around the block and all that good stuff) foregoing the usual weekly Starbucks and The Wall Street Journal get-together of this previously unpublished man of letters. Me.
Proud to be an advertising man since birth, I was the only writer in the whole wide world to have written and produced TV and radio commercials for both Sears, Roebuck & Co. and competitor Montgomery Ward - while winning an Addy Award along the way - a perfect companion piece to the can of Jolly Green Giant corn awarded my jolly Corn-ish sense of humor during high school commencement ceremonies in the small town fondly founded by immigrants from Cornwall, land of mirth and merriment.
And if that double-header in the awards department isn't sufficiently impressive as a tombstone engraving to be remembered by, need I remind you, I was a year book editor dually elected by the Class of '47. Surely, that should count for somethin.
If you could, dear publisher, also recommend a reasonably-priced agent, that would be nice.
Until then, I'll just keep right on wonderin as I'm wanderin.
Seniorously Yours.
IN OTHER WORDS: 1 A little extra sleep, a little more slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest." (Isaiah 29:10 ) 2 "Oh, that my words could be written. Oh, that they could be inscribed on a monument." (Job 19:23) Now I, Paul, plead with you. I plead with the gentleness and kindness that Christ himself would use, even though some of you say I am bold in my letters but timid in person. (2 Corinthians 10:1). 3 It all happened in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye. 4 My life is no longer than the width of my hand. An entire lifetime is just a moment to you; human existence is but a breath. (Psalm 39:5) It is better to say nothing than to promise something that you don't follow through on. (Ecclesiastes 5:5) 5 And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice. (I Kings 19:11-12; KJV) 6 I haven't seen faith like this in all the land of Israel. (Matthew 8:10)
___________Q_____________
What to Write When You’ve Turned 82 and Updated Resume of an Entrepreneur Wannabe is Long Overdue...
"My Life, My Five Stetsons"
(THE COMPLETE GAR SLEEP) Just About Says It All! 1
"If you ain't wrong, you're right; If it ain't day, it's night; If you ain't sure -- you Gotta Be This Or That."
Benny Goodman's 1945 hit 33 RPM record (33% more disc for your money in Biblical times vs. today's CD's) got it all wrong. Like King Solomon, you can have it both ways such as I: Wit and Wisdom. Neither a stranger to me. Citizen senior meets Delta Force, and Delta Force blinks.
It's in the Bible! There is "a time to laugh." Born in May 1929. Stock market crash in October. Died (possibly) in the stock market crash of 2009. Now that's Woody Allen prescription-grade, "neurotic funny." A priceless asset during the not so great, Great Depression. (You do remember - ?) And lest we forget the present day Greatest Depression.
All my life, every twenty year increment (two decades piggy-backed), I reinvent myself. You know, try on a new hat for size. A Stetson with Caesar Romero-style wideband complements that "other" wideband: today's wireless, satellite digital technology that is so very me. (Batteries not included.)
Stetson #1. The jump-start of my life. "A babe in the wood" (i.e. drawer). Kinda stifling, but the 1700 vintage Huguenot bureau did provide me with a "knothole on the world." Although the view was somewhat confined to the bedroom of my birth, there down on the farm in Bangor, Pennsylvania. A crib saved is a dollar earned, the Old Folks use to say. With a know-it-all smile.
My first job was at 14. An apprentice barber at Tony's Barber Shop. Come high school graduation, I was coolest kid in class with $1200 cash in clenched fist. A Republican of the first order. Keeping steady straight razor and straight face, both, during the course of FDR's WW II Homeland Security blackouts, I earned every patriotic penny!
Senior year in P.A.H.S., I figured the best way to get all the girls wasn't on the football team practicing outside the classroom window. It was the inside that mattered. "The only one of the guy gender in touch typing class, stupid!" In the Lord's scheme of things, the Underwood was to be my Tonto; my Kayto; my Rochester; in the grand tradition of the Lone Ranger, Green Hornet, and Jack Benny. Golden Radio was family.
In the class play, Life of the Party, I was Einstein before my time. My wisdom - and wit of wild hair heavy on the "Wildroot Charley" grease job - won me the staring roll of "Steiny," hands-down, though slick 'n' sticky hands left unchecked, can turn ugly by the second act. Seems "hair" played an important part in my early life.
Stetson #2. First worn on my honeymoon - cut short by the Korean War. The Commies simply couldn't afford a clerk/typist, so I took Supreme Commander/Supreme Being, General Douglas McArthur, up on his best offer before it, and he, faded away.
If only my cartoons in Stars & Stripes were a jot more frequent, America could have won that war. But someone had to type the peace treaty. Back then, my overweight Underwood and lightweight knee caps weren't necessarily "best buds." Today, there's the Laptop to take up the slack. BUT CITIZEN SENIORS DON'T HAVE LAPS! So what the hey. (Call home, Bill Gates, call home.)
In 1953, Exchanged GI skivvies for Robert Hall civvies and typed my way up the corporate ladder to Sears National Home Entertainment Sales Promotion Manager - without first tap dancing my way to fame with the Rockettes at NBC's Radio City Music Hall. A-h-h-h, Katie Couric, I remember her well.
Stetson #3. As a Republican, founded Sleep Advertising, Inc., in the Nation's Capital. Thanks to my typing of commercials of my own invention in which Willard Scott played a roll, he landed the Today Show. I counted the days to when America's Birthday Boy salutes my driver's license foto for the whole world to see. Fifteen seconds of fame, mine, all mine! And they say seniors have nuthin to look forward to.
Stetson #4. As a Democrat, looked myself in the mirror one bright and early morn only to see that was "Mr. Pastie" a-starrin me back, "Shazam!" A meat pie I yam, I yam. My dream of many years for everyone to "Pass the Pass-tee!" passed down centuries by The Sleep Family Cornwall," had come true at last! I wasted no time to type my first ad. Finally! I'm my own advertising client. J. Walter Thompson, eat your heart out!
Stetson #5. As an Independent Master of My Own Domain: SeniorSquare dot com. A quarterly undertaking of 6,000 word count - personally typed one word at a time. The wit and wisdom of my life between AARP and HARP! (With "wiggle room" to spare for a Still Small Voice.)
Like the Shadow, "The Mad Hatter Knows!" God's plans for us are too numerous." Yet, my five Stetsons don't exceed the 6-days of creation. No wonder the Lord likes me best. Out of 6 billion people! I respect him for that, don't you?
Seniorously, my better half,
Gar
What to Write in a letter to another Senior Citz when the United States of America postage stamp has jumped to 44-cents without notice.
THIS LETTER IS NOT ABOUT TO FINANCE THE VENEZUELAN WAR!
The 3-cent stamp may have paid for WW II. And all the other intermediate stamps since then, the cost of the multiple wars of Korea thru present-day Afghanistan. But 44-cents!!! Com'on. Does America really need a fully-loaded Jeep to catapult them there Mid Eastern camels? Or President Chavez down yonder for that matter?
Seniorously, and patriotically, to the core,
Gar
___________Q_____________
What to Write in a letter to your High School Class of 1947...
SHORE NUFF THE LORD'S GOT THE STUFF!
According to last count, our class president has calculated that half of our class has departed the planet for heavenly shores. The other 50-percent, has to be satisfied staking out Atlantic City in ankle-length swimsuits. Seems the Lord likes the dearly departed best to the rest. You know, those survivors "such as we," and Larry King. Suspenders n all!
Seniorously, 81 'n' counting,
Gar, Year Book Editor, to the very end
___________Q_____________
AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR:
MR. PASTIE®
MY ALTER EGO PIE WHO DOES ME PRETTY PROUD
"Pinch me like a pasty and I can say no more."
--Shakespeare's Merry Wives of Windsor
TODAY'S PASSWORD:
"PASS THE PASS-TEE!"®
Since 8000 B.C., the Planet's First
MEAL-SIZE Meat Pie Turnover!
From Across the Pond and Across America
They Come
Pasty Lovers United!
To the Mr. Pastie Home Bakery
in 'Pasty Town U.S.A.'
And 'MySelects' Available in Stores Everywhere
614-459-3727
"Pass the Pass-tee!"®
Passed Down Centuries by
The Sleep Family Cornwall
to Your Family
LUNCH, DINNER, BREAKFAST AND HIGH TEA
‘PICK N CHOOSE’ FROM 58 QUICK-PICKS
ALL HAND-MADE, NATURALLY GOOD,
OVEN-BAKED MEAT PIE TURNOVERS
THE WORLD'S FIRST MEAL-SIZE TURNOVER
IN OUR OWN OLD-WORLD SHORTCRUST PASTRY
SO TENDER AND FLAKY,
EAT THE FINGER-CRIMP ALL UP!
‘Original Traditional’ Beef, Chicken, Ham, Turkey, Sausage,
‘The British Pound’ with Cube Beef,
‘Philly Steak’, Pizza Pasty, Cordon Bleu, BBQ, Burrito, Cajun, Pork & Kraut,
Lobster, Shrimp, Crab,
Veggie Cheddar Melts: 'Spinach Patch', The 7-Veg. 'Mixed Bag'
All-Day Breakfast Egg Melts: Steak, Ham, Sausage, Bacon Bits,
Fruit Pasties: Cherry, Apple, Blueberry
AND THE LIST GOES ON!
___________Q_____________
SEE 'The Vanishing Art of Pasty Making '
by Our Long-Time Artisans
Open Monday thru Saturday 9AM to 5PM; closed Sundays (see you in church?) and national holidays.
To reach our quaint, little, yellow provincial home bakery in residential Pen Argyl, Pennsylvania, at the foot of the Blue Ridge Mountains. "Just follow the flavor aroma you can taste." Take route 33 to Wind Gap 512N exit; proceed 4 miles to the PNC bank red light and up Robinson Ave.
For more information, please call our bakery at (610) 863-9091. E-mail MrPastie@ee.net
PUT THE "FUN" BACK IN FUNDRAISERS AT WHOLESALE PRICES! Special discounts off our regular prices best assure a good return on your charities’ investment. "Ring us up" and confirm your delivery date soon!
Look for Mr. Pastie in the meat or grocery freezer case of a store near you. Ask the local manager to stock up on your choices. Available for stores in all states: (614) 459=3727
E-mail: mrpastie@ee.net
_____________Q_____________
Scroll
SeniorSquare.com
WHERE EVER YOU ARE IN THIS WIDE, WIDE WORLD…CATCH THE NEXT ENGINE LEAVING GRAND CENTRAL STATION T0 "SENIOR SQUARE" ARRIVING GATES:
FACEBOOK! GOOGLE! YAHOO! EXCITE! MICROSOFT MSN! NETSCAPE! AOL! LYCOS! ALTA VISTA! DIRECT HIT! HOT BOT! INFOSEEK! LOOKSMART! MAGELLON! NBCi
NORTHERN LIGHTS! OVERTURE! WEB CRAWLER! AND ON, AND ON, DOWN THE TRACKS!
PASTOR PAUL PIT'S "PICK OF THE PICKS"
Web sites that tell you everything there is to know about the joy and transforming power of Jesus Christ, in more ways than one, but were afraid to ask for fear it would completely change your life. And at your advanced age, heaven forbid, "a new you" would surely become the talk of the town, let alone "Breakfast at McDonalds!" Courage, fellow-old-timer, courage!
About Com Where Septuagenarian Sleep and young whippersnapper, Dave Barry, are fello humor columnists
Annie's Home Page "Blessings and Joy."
Anointed Links (Ahem!) Did Brother Graham say, "Brilliant?"
Barbara's Entourages Dares to call Senior Square a "humor" page!
Best Christian Links Acclaims Senior Square, "wonderful site."
Caring-Angel The motherland lists Square under humor and religion, both!
Christ Sites for a new view on life.
Christian Family Links "Happy to add your wonderful site."
Christian Search You'll find it here.
Christians Unite A rather radical idea.
Christian World Daily Directory of Christian Web sites.
Christians Online Today's party line without the 3 rings.
Church Net UK England on The Square.
Cross Daily Awesome Christian Sites and Senior Square is there!
Dr. Chadwick's Church & Ministry Page Christianity unlimited.
For Our Lord Jesus Christ When you care enuff to send your very best.
Goshen Net The OK church clique click.
The Joy Well The name says it all.
The Missionary Quality Christian sites 'round the world.
Pastor Ed's Very Best Christian Links Senior Square's "wit, wisdom, Spirit of God."
Pastor Jeff's Neighborhood "Don't have to be a senior to enjoy" Senior Square's "slightly warped sense of humor."
Peggie's Friends Senior Square's "A Fun Christian Senior page."
Religious Resources The OK church
clique click
___________Q_____________
Tekton Apologetics "Love" Senior Square.
Fifty Plus and more besides.
Grandpa Chuck Mr. Pastie "Lot's of Family Fun"
Senior Square awarded "5-STAR WEB SITE!" Humor Search
Pardon me, is the Brit in me showing? Humor Links
Over Fifties Onward and upward.
Rememory All the memory you'll ever need.
Seniority UK Gar waxes lyrical bout topical issues & reminisces for 1 and all.
Suddenly Senior Topical humor columns unlimited.
Worldwide Seniors and those in outer space, you know who you are
Your Memories British life 1900-1970 includes scroll down Senior Square!