Talk about a paragraph too long! Mr. Sleep, aka Mr. Pastie (a meat pie am I), awakeneth by the woodchuck a-chuckin, checkin out the EARLY checkwood flowers in today's warmer climes, is the moment I find my personal self herewith seateth upon world's only park bench wide enuff for the queue of all the planet's citizen seniors in width n breadth, occupying a most-seniorously squat of substantial proportion smack in the middle of one assimilated spot: the center of the circle which is
Yes! The resurgence of the Garden of Eden we knew so well by personal experience...Lo! n Behold!* Those many millenium ago! For want of a more descriptive word in the here and now universe...it's SPRINGTIME I'm a-talkin. God is back! Genesis, the sequel, sproutin up all over creation in 3-D. And YOU are there! .
*IN OTHER WORDS: "I am making all things new."( Rev. 21:5)
(As in Mr. Brother Sleep)
aka 'Mr. Pastie'
What to Write Your Biographer About the Rich & Famous in Your Life.
Paths I've Crossed
Why is America's "Who's Who" Followin Me All Around, I'm A-Wonderin As I'm A-Wanderin?
IN OTHER WORDS: "The glory of youg men is their strength;."of old men, their experience.(Proverbs 20:29)
Spring is for remembering. The past comes into play so vividly as all that Sleep day dreamin did carrying on neath the
cherry blossoms. It got me a-thinkin. Having had my cartoons published in Stars & Stripes, there's a good possibility I was no stranger to avid readers of the military publication like Generals Ike Esenhower and Douglas McArthur even tho I never met them personally and saluted, "Howdee, SIR!"
It was years later, I ran into the American Institution, Bob Hope, when we found ourselves in the audience of our daughter Monica receiving her Capital Law School Diploma in Columbus, Ohio, after she had been asked to be first in line for the comedian's autograph. The 75 year old American Tradition - with a May 29th birthday - the same date as lesser known me - just happen to be in town for a golfing tournament and dropped on by, unanounced. Finally, our college tuition budget paid off! The better to afford an education for other daughter, Valerie, CPA/Financial Planner. Professions much to the contrary, wherein a sense of humor is foreboden.
Little Junior Sleep's wake up call in the world of celeb, was my first known "for real" connect that began at age 15 with Big Band performances at the Saylors Lake Pavilian just up the road from the Mr. Pastie Home Bakery of today. Best I can recall was seeing world famous bands the likes of mystro Vaughn Monroe - singing his hit rendition of "Racing With the Moon"- hangin directly overhead in the night time sky above. It seemed the perfect marriage.
Along with Dick Haymes singin "It's Just a Paper Moon," at the New York City Paramount, it's just about as close to an Astrophysics Degree I ever came. Apparently, John Glenn was always a step ahead in the Buck Rogers department.
Dance band with singing trumpador tho they may be, never once did I, the bashful one, take to trippin the light fantastic. Today, as a citizen senior, I've got trippin down per-r-r-ty pat.
Then there was the time I attended the New Year radio broadcast of ABC radio humorist Henry Morgan and, along with my two small town buddies, crashed the penthouse after show buffet party. With a blonde babe on each arm, ol Hank didn't seem to mind a-tall when we squeezed in the elevator skyward. We hayseed youngon's had arrived New York BIG TIME!
On the crowded boardwalk at Atlantic City found myself elbow-to-elbow with pudgy comic Lou Costello; followed by the premiere Steel Pier stage performance of the famed "Who's On First" routine with partner Bud Abbott.
At the same time, on the serious side of the New Jersey
Shore; happen to find myself standin next to informal Tucker Preston and the world premiere of his 1948 revolutionary rear engine dream car. From that moment on, car design has been of great interest. Surpassed only by the
design of my wife Cecelia
During my Sears years heading the one and only in-house advertising agency of the world's largest retailer I produced a TV fashion show featuring Richard Pryor. I begged "America's most important and influential standup comedian of his era" to redo the monologue -- BUT minus the 'marijuana high' put-on antics he was famous for. Dear Richard and entourage stormed off the sound stage in protest, cussin "Mr. Sears" pretty dang good. The Washington DC drug enforcement agency, however, later gave the segment the Good House Keeping Seal of Approval. The APP of it's day. But we never did hear back from Consumer Reports.
As you read on...keep in mind as did I, forget all that nonsence about AARP - Senior Citizenship doesn't officially kick in until you've booked passage to Branson, MO. for a front row seat to the Andy Williams Christmas Show.
COMING UP...FOUR PATHS TO FAMOUS SPORTS PERSONALITIES...AND I'M NOT EVEN A SPORTS FAN!
During my job with the Philadelphia Bulletin, my first position following high school graduation and barber shop internship (which netted me a grand total $1200 in salary and tips), I caught a Primo Carnera wrestling bout some time after the Ambling Alp Born Giant won the world heavyweight boxing championship. Both matches undoubtedly "fixed;" the M.O. for which the HULK was famous.
I was in the national marketing meeting when baseball legend, The CompleteTed Williams, introduced a new line of Sears sports equipment bearing his signature. Of course this was before his head was amputated from the rest of him and frozen in separate container by the Arizona Cryonic's lab. Needless to say, his batting average never regained its former prowessness.
Speakin bout amputations, first thing I did when Sleep Advertising, Inc. was awarded the Capital City Montgomery Ward account without even having solicited to make a presentation, I dismissed the Redskin's Joe Thiasmann as the retailer's TV spokesperson. Most probably because I never played a game of football in my life and could care less, for a more entertaining radio and television strategy. The tactics must have payed off, Ward's sales zoored. And no wonder, our recomended 3-hour media buy of $35,000 for one night became the standard tactic. I undoubtedly caught my old boss, Richard Sears, totally unaware no matter where he be. As for Roebuck, he was the quiet one. /
Jim Tressel, Buckeye Coach and neighbor of ours all wrapped into one good Samaritan, jumped from his Explorer to lift me out of the gutter of a busy highway from which my Honda mower and I found ourselves due to a citizen senior mistep. Considering I was the only guy in Columbus Ohio who had never bought an Ohio State football ticket; I loved Jim for doin that, don't you?
At a black tie Sears dinner of assigned seatin welcoming inebriated Vincent Price and his art collection to town, there's no forgetting his chinny-chin-chin upon table linen; and fully "in my face," uttered uproariously, "You don't drink do ya?" Followed by, "You don't smoke neither do ya?" Slurring, the Kings perfect English in conclusion: "One thing I can't stand is a bore!" The monstrous laughter of the Prince of Horror Movies echoed into the night as I continued to sip the clam chowder. The following morning, 'The Vince' was whisked away from the DuPont Hotel there in Wilmington Delaware to New York for the roll of "Egg Head" in the Batman TV series. For all I know, he was still laughing incoherently. (Or what ever it is egg heads do.)
On another occasion of a totally different venue, a freezing cold winter's night in downtown Pusan during the Korean War, I was witness to youthful Billy Graham's makeshift mini crusade as he stood with interpreter upon a rickety platform hardly larger than a welcome mat. It is a little known chapter in the Evangelist's 94-year history. But now, God knows what's I've known all along.
Back in 1951, on a date with Ceil, in New York's Ed Sullivan Theater, we witnessed Frank Sinatra in his first TV drama, which co-starred movie "heavy" Walter Slezak. "The Voice,'' Sinatra's other name, was already bobby sox history. These were his darkest hours. Couldn't even find a sponsor! Who would have ever dreamed, an Academy Award was just 'round the corner'?! A new career, too, for Ceil and I, with marriage a mere year away. And the Korean War a-waitin my undivided attention in the wings.
On a "drive-by" the backstage door of Radio City Music Hall, I couldn't help but notice Donald O'Connor, in the middle of an autograph signing escapade, was 5-ft. 7" short, the likes of me. But in all my life long, I never once sang "Singing in the Rain," or did back flips off the wall. Even if I have to say so myself, "Hoofer" simply tweren't Gar. Hollywood was not my future by any measure. So get over it!
But in a later life, that was me breaking into the autograph line for signature of Charley Pride, the first African-
American cowboy singer and O.C. Smith, "The Little Green Apples" eater -- only to come away empty handed when the ink apparently ran dry. I had no choice but remain a fan of Roy Rogers and Gene Autry who were sucessful in avoiding me completely
How well I remember early one morning virtually trippin over the Supremes, the U.S. pop-soul vocal group sleepin over on the floor of a Georgetown recording studio to continue a taping session from the day before. I'm not sure if Dana Ross, their leader, was present or stayin in more accomondating digs.
And lest we forget my sittin in the presence of President Ronald Reagan at the National Broadcasters Convention!
Also, Ceil & I had a personal invitation to the oval office in Ron's absence. Afterall, SOMEONE has to run the country!
Vice presidential candidate, Sargent Shriverof the Kennedy Familly, happened by chance to hear my radio commercial for the Special Olympics, his favorite charity, and immediately ordered up a copy from his limo in beltway traffic. As for my copy of the tape, it's lost, and I can't remember the whole thing.
And lest we forget my sittin in the presence of President Ronald Reagan!
When he was our pastor in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, the world famous writer and performer of gospel music, Ira Stanphill, appointed Saint Gar his publicist and editor of the church bulletin. And I couldn't sing a note!
During my tenor, Elvis Presley recorded Ira's "Mansion Over the Hilltop." Johnny Cash couldn't pass-up "Suppertime." And Ira with beloved accordion waxed his popular "Room at the Cross." I kept per-r-ty good company back yonder.
Martin Agronsky, TV's first talking head was headstrong and refused to "work for scale," on a Sears documentary, only to have a change of heart and go for the $250 in my cold white palm. "My agent thinks I'm crazy," he declared while burying his face deep in the script hidden from the all-seeing eye of the camera so as not to be noticed. Payback time! Poor me.
On the other hand, the more caring Eric Sevared, one of "Murrow's Boys," hustled through his evening news show
to evacuate the studio and make room for our agency's commercial production schedule.
And lest we forget my sittin in the presence of President Ronald Reagan!
G. Gordon Liddy celebrated his release from prison in the Watergate scandal at a close by table during the WGMS-FM classic music station's Bethoven Anniversary Celebration. The "Mr. Pastie" meat pie auction was destined to become the evening's steller event. In my book it beat the G-Man's book hands down.
Our paths crossed the Watergate defamed on yet another occasion - when we made dibs on a table at a favored Georgetown restaurant, and was prempted by John Mitchell who was President Richard Nixon's U. S. Atorney General, the first ever to be convicted of illegal activities. Seems the company I encounter isn't always prestine as yours truly.
Seeking advice on a career move, I looked up the most reverend Pat Robertson in the phone book and called him at home. He graciously suggested a meeting of the minds the next day in my Sears Washington office, but never showed. According to his closest friends, forgetfulness became him. Years later, he rememered the incident. But as a Presidential candidate, I guess his closest friends "forgot" to cast a vote with his name on it.
I cut a radio commercial with Senate Chaplin, Dr. Lloyd John Ogilvie over and over and over again at one sitting. He was not content to leaving "perfection" in God's hands. I guess I should have offered prayer and still got home in time for supper.
Larry King and his suspenders crossed my path close-up on two occasions. Eventually, his pants did too. But neither ever interviewed me.
William Saphire, NY Times and NBC-TV journalist and I, just the two of us, shared a Bethesda doctor's lonely waiting room - with some degree of mutually shared red-face embarrassment. However, the Urologist was bent on not minding at all.
Ralph Nader and I, awaited a ride in darkened corridor of the American Enterprise Institute (AEI) our agency's client, following a telecast. He was aloof and virtually motionless, Much like the Chevy Corvair, "Unsafe At Any Speed."
I had a similar experience at a darkened church altar when the Reverend Dave Wilkerson of the "Cross and the Switchblade" was deep in silent prayer.
I met W. Clement Stone, billionaire/philanthropist, the Horato Alger of his day, at church camp. I firmly believe, Jesus was equally impressed.
/David Ogilvy, famed dean of Madison Avenue advertising agencies, took leave of his castle in Spain long enuff to autograph my copy of his best selling, "Confessions of an Advertising Man." For the most part, the story of my life, dicha know.
And lest we forget my sittin in the presence of President Ronald Reagan!
I often think back back to Washington D.C., where Ceil and I founded Sleep Advertising, Inc., with our national accounts. We frequently crossed paths with celebs of the day. Pat Boone and Shirley on one hand, and weather man
Willard Scott's bear hug of Ceil on the other hand - when I tweren't lookin.
Other stars we ran into into in our profession included Eli Wallic, of "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly." He apparently was the Ugly. You know, the Democrat.
And lest we forget my sittin in the presence of President Ronald Reagan!
You know, the Republican.
What to Write Your Grandson, the Science Teacher:
Baby Your Garden This Spring:
Philip m' boy...If by chance, you are considering a home work assignment in horticulture for your
middle school class, be my guest. Consider this subject lesson and BE a better person for the most part.
When it comes to Creation, God is in the details. Right down to the tiny Burpee seed. So if you are unable to tell a mustard seed from a bean seed, or which end is "up," your grand-daddy is forever grateful for God's best friend, W. Atlee Burpee's directions on every pack: "Dig and Plant." It's withstood the test of time. (Altho there's a whole lot of "a-bendin 'n' groaning a-goin on" in the process.) But, the table of contents printed in 5-pt. pica!? What's a Senior to do? No wonder, "Sweet Pea" is forever destined to show up in the vegetable patch, instead of the flower garden in the process! No wonder the Bible cautions that "at the age of 50 years, they must cease performing this work, and shall work no more."(1) Sounds good to me!
Take it from the Lord: "A little bird will tell them...a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."(2)
Must have been a parrot. A very lonely parrot.
Just tell em, Gran-Pop sent you.
IN OTHER WORDS: (1 ) Numbers 8:23-26 TLB (2 ) Eccelesiastes 7:9 TLB
What to Write Senior Citizen Wannabe Anxiously Awaiting AARP Membership Card;
"Gabby Hayes Happens!"
IN OTHER WORDS: "He will take these weak mortal bodies of ours and change them into glorious bodies like his own." (Phillipians 3:21)
Dagnabit! First, the Whiskers...The Walk...The Talk. And then, suddenly...THE SQUINT!
Gabby Hayes BECOMES YOU!
No matter your gender. As sure as winter turns to Spring Day,
You awake, all bright eyed and bushy tailed, and you're eyeball-to-eyeball with "Mirror, Mirror on the Wall." (OK, OK, the medicine cabinet.) And there's that face a-starrin you right back. Yikes! It's Roy Roger's sassy sidekick, George "Gabby" Hayes, shur as tootin. I mean, you never in all your live long life, ever owned a "Boone"-style, true-beaver felt, panhandler cowboy hat That wide, pinched, curlled-up, sidewise, gold rush brim high on Gabby's low brow JUST ISN'T THE "YOU," you've growned to love. A sad-sack of a sight that even triggers "Trigger's" condescending "nay'' vote on every kind of weird headgear and body-pearcing known to mankind - cart blanche! (And you can't hardly get that no more.)
No two ways 'bout it, that's Ol' Grumpy's reflection. And I don't mean the supporting character in Walt Disney's animated "Snow White and the Seven Dwarf's" fame back in 1938.
No, no, no. Disheveled, disgruntled, dispersed, and disavowed chief cook and bottle washer, George Gabby Hayes, is "THE MAN." (As for those of the opposite gender, think Judy Canova.)
Without any advance warning, "unkempt" becomes you. If you, of all people, a former air raid warden during WW II, can no longer recognize a warning when you see one, what hope is there for the rest of us?
Robert Hall strikes again!
Suspenders stretchin' the envelope to bended knee, revealing redundant red, recycled long johns 'neath baggy pants, and socks rolled down, tippy-toe with your Red Ryder cowboy boots, is a "look" you don't see 'round these heah parts much any more. (Outside Senior Square, I dare say.)
Short on height, long on tooth, should surprise no one. God isn't about to alphabetize the Bible, neither.
As for adopting Gabby's squint, that can be traced to being married for over 60 years to the same woman!
You've done GO from a GQ fashion plate to a U.S. Steel boilerplate when you tweren't even lookin. (Bunk beds out in the bunkhouse can do that to a feller, quicker then you think!
Even tho "B" pictures scored high in my childhood, my report card was a totally different matter. But, as for the old codger, he was tops in his class. Would you believe Gabby's 146 westerns and a couple of serials eventually ranked thIs most unlikely of people, #2 in Box Office popularity. "Yer dern tootin!" (Did you hear a voice just then?)
The bottom line: That other Hays. The Hays censorship office never had to ban Gabby, Roy, or Trigger.
What to Write on Your Wife's Birthday Card About That New Set of Wheels in the Garage:
"Amelia Airhart LIVES!"
SURPRISE! I Just treated you to a spankin new automobile for your birthday present. And you'll never guess the brand.
Yep! You'll never have to ride alone again.
Amelia is there for you.
The voice of the Jeep's GPS!
Sure, she's still lost in space "up there."
You know, somewhere over the Pacific.
But that's perfectly "OK." Gives America's former sweetheart more time to devote to giving you directions to the Kenneth Grand Opening! Why, you may even win the secret door prize!
Surprise! Surprise! Amelia's very much alive! LOOK! Up there! Bet that's her straddling Japan's wayward satellite! Or, is it Captain Kirk? (Be sure to wave on the next fly-by.)
Amelia's a senior citizen by now and has to make up her mind: Satellite or cellulite? Only Amelia knows for shurnuff.
Anyway, happy birthday, where 'er you be, Sister Amelia.
As for me, I never once have stopped to ask for directions, and I'm NOT abought to stop now.
IN OTHER WORDS: "Move from here to there and it will move,".Matthew 17, NIV)
What to Write Your Grand Daughter on "The 3 Signs of Aging"
"Cadillac, Cataract, & Cardiac"
IN OTHER WORDS" He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age." Ruth 4:15
Congratulations on turning the ripe ol' age of 23. I knew you could do it!
As a Spring and Summer life guard, you've already began to fight the wrinkles with a ton of sun tan lotions.
But what you really have to watch out for is your first Cadillac; particularly the convertible. In red! followed in quick succession by the Cataract and the Cardiac.
So this Spring, suntan lotion isn't going to spare you "The Three C's." They're going 'n get you one way or the other. And much too soon.
What to Write the Lucky Publisher-in-Wait
"No Way Great White Way!"
In this new year 2011 -- at long last; as editor of the 1947 Pen Argyl Pennsylvania High School year book--I've finally realized the class prediction may yet come true.
I was to become a famous author of note. The first serious challenge to Hemingway, most assuredly. OK, OK, OK, to be a writer on radio's Milton Berle Show would-a been kinda nice for a kid of 18, fresh from graduation ceremonies. You know, just for starters. As it turned out, I never got to break unleavened bread with Uncle Miltie (as he was to become known on TV in days of old); however, I did come close. Mightily so.
The local radio station in Easton, the Slate Belt's county seat, upon reading my satirical high school radio club scripts, took me under their wing, anxious to arrange an appointment with Berle's comedy writers for this new kid on the block. The show's team was considered to be the best jokesters in the business. Among them, a young unknown Neil Simon--WHO? Any way back then, children short of 21, were still accustomed to ask their parents for permission to catch the next Greyhound out of town. Remember, there was no GPS! Or green card. Or fence. And the word-to-the-wise on the part of my dad was a resounding: "NO!" Little Junior Sleep was not "allowed" to make my way to the Great White Way. No way. No how. Close. But no Mr. Television cigar!
When I heard a few years ago that Allen Stewart Konigsberg, alias Woody Allen, had been hired as a pre-Starbuck's coffee "gofer" on the Sid Caesar Show of Shows on TV, I was convinced I was no longer God's favorite. Like Woody, my Saturday nights would have been better spent in Gotham than in the 91st MP Battalion in the refuge city of Pusan, South Korea, during America's "forgotten war." (You have forgotten the Commies and the domino theory, maybe?) I guess the undernourished Brooklyn kid got a draft deferment simply because he was physically funnier looking than such as yours truly. Surely not smarter. (Horn & Hardart's 5-cent cup of Joe ain't smart.)
The only "upside" to my missing out on The Big Time is: the ancient treasure chest rendering of my original Stars & Stripes' cartoon panels, among "the best of the Korean War." Responsible for bringing both sides of the conflict to the peace table "BEGGING FOR PEACE IN OUR TIME!" An MP Battalion Troop Information & Education "officer" with Pfc. stripes worn proudly by day - I was a self-appointed Stars & Stripes contributing cartoonist by moonlight. That's right, General 'Ike' Eisenhower's famous ear-to-ear smile on the cover of Life wasn't triggered by his having just won the 1952 Presidential election, but most assuredly, that of my laff-out-loud humor inside the magazine's review of the S&S book, 'Out of Line.' And still available thru e-Bay as collector editions. Google-search Woody Allen's book during that same memorable period in humankind history, and there's no 'there' there. By golly! And gee-whiz! Seems I'm the one God chose to go down in antiquity after all. A little faith6 above and beyond never hurts, you know?
(Incidentally, my cartoon in the weekly magazine dramatized an elderly, dignified U.S. Senator searching out a fox hole, bombs bursting all around, and holding unto his hat for dear life, while urgently tapping an unsuspecting GI on the shoulder; and inquiring: "I say, are you the young man from Pennsylvania who wrote his Congressman?" Oh, if only Milton Berle had had it so good.
Mr. Publisher, returning to the present, please consider, herein, the excerpts I've lifted from recent e-mails I've authored to family, friends and strangers in the night; as a potential "Sleep On It!" sleeper. A ready-made newspaper or magazine column and a book by the same name. Only you can decide..."which." Don't let Stars & Stripes scoop you again!
Meanwhile, I'll keep my BlackBerry appointments at the ready, just in case my next Friday afternoon respite at Barnes & Noble will be a book-signing marathon (crowds lined-up around the block and all that good stuff) foregoing the usual weekly Starbucks and The Wall Street Journal get-together of this previously unpublished man of letters. Me.
Proud to be an advertising man since birth, I was the only writer in the whole wide world to have written and produced TV and radio commercials for both Sears, Roebuck & Co. and competitor Montgomery Ward - while winning an Addy Award along the way - a perfect companion piece to the can of Jolly Green Giant corn awarded my jolly Corn-ish sense of humor during high school commencement ceremonies in the small town fondly founded by immigrants from Cornwall, land of mirth and merriment.
And if that double-header in the awards department isn't sufficiently impressive as a tombstone engraving to be remembered by, need I remind you, I was a year book editor dually elected by the Class of '47. Surely, that should count for somethin.
If you could, dear publisher, also recommend a reasonably-priced agent, that would be nice.
Until then, I'll just keep right on wonderin as I'm wanderin.
IN OTHER WORDS: 1 A little extra sleep, a little more slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest." (Isaiah 29:10 ) 2 "Oh, that my words could be written. Oh, that they could be inscribed on a monument." (Job 19:23) Now I, Paul, plead with you. I plead with the gentleness and kindness that Christ himself would use, even though some of you say I am bold in my letters but timid in person. (2 Corinthians 10:1). 3 It all happened in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye. 4 My life is no longer than the width of my hand. An entire lifetime is just a moment to you; human existence is but a breath. (Psalm 39:5) It is better to say nothing than to promise something that you don't follow through on. (Ecclesiastes 5:5) 5 And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice. (I Kings 19:11-12; KJV) 6 I haven't seen faith like this in all the land of Israel. (Matthew 8:10)
What to Write When You’ve Turned 83 and Updated Resume of an Entrepreneur Wannabe is Long Overdue...
"My Life, My Five Stetsons"
(THE COMPLETE GAR SLEEP) Just About Says It All! 1
IN OTHER WORDS: God has given each of us some special abilities; be sure to use them to help each other, passing on to others God's many kinds of blessings. (1 Peter 4:10)
"If you ain't wrong, you're right; If it ain't day, it's night; If you ain't sure -- you Gotta Be This Or That."
Benny Goodman's 1945 hit 33 RPM record (33% more disc for your money in Biblical times vs. today's CD's) got it all wrong. Like King Solomon, you can have it both ways such as I: Wit and Wisdom. Neither a stranger to me. Citizen senior meets Delta Force, and Delta Force blinks.
It's in the Bible! There is "a time to laugh." Born in May 1929. Stock market crash in October. Died (possibly) in the stock market crash of 2009. Now that's Woody Allen prescription-grade, "neurotic funny." A priceless asset during the not so great, Great Depression. (You do remember - ?) And lest we forget the present day Greatest Depression.
All my life, every twenty year increment (two decades piggy-backed), I reinvent myself. You know, try on a new hat for size. A Stetson with Caesar Romero-style wideband complements that "other" wideband: today's wireless, satellite digital technology that is so very me. (Batteries not included.)
Stetson #1. The jump-start of my life. "A babe in the wood" (i.e. drawer). Kinda stifling, but the 1700 vintage Huguenot bureau did provide me with a "knothole on the world." Although the view was somewhat confined to the bedroom of my birth, there down on the farm in Bangor, Pennsylvania. A crib saved is a dollar earned, the Old Folks use to say. With a know-it-all smile.
My first job was at 14. An apprentice barber at Tony's Barber Shop. Come high school graduation, I was coolest kid in class with $1200 cash in clenched fist. A Republican of the first order. Keeping steady straight razor and straight face, both, during the course of FDR's WW II Homeland Security blackouts, I earned every patriotic penny!
Senior year in P.A.H.S., I figured the best way to get all the girls wasn't on the football team practicing outside the classroom window. It was the inside that mattered. "The only one of the guy gender in touch typing class, stupid!" In the Lord's scheme of things, the Underwood was to be my Tonto; my Kayto; my Rochester; in the grand tradition of the Lone Ranger, Green Hornet, and Jack Benny. Golden Radio was family.
In the class play, Life of the Party, I was Einstein before my time. My wisdom - and wit of wild hair heavy on the "Wildroot Charley" grease job - won me the staring roll of "Steiny," hands-down, though slick 'n' sticky hands left unchecked, can turn ugly by the second act. Seems "hair" played an important part in my early life.
Stetson #2. First worn on my honeymoon - cut short by the Korean War. The Commies simply couldn't afford a clerk/typist, so I took Supreme Commander/Supreme Being, General Douglas McArthur, up on his best offer before it, and he, faded away.
If only my cartoons in Stars & Stripes were a jot more frequent, America could have won that war. But someone had to type the peace treaty. Back then, my overweight Underwood and lightweight knee caps weren't necessarily "best buds." Today, there's the Laptop to take up the slack. BUT CITIZEN SENIORS DON'T HAVE LAPS! So what the hey. (Call home, Bill Gates, call home.)
In 1953, Exchanged GI skivvies for Robert Hall civvies and typed my way up the corporate ladder to Sears National Home Entertainment Sales Promotion Manager - without first tap dancing my way to fame with the Rockettes at NBC's Radio City Music Hall. A-h-h-h, Katie Couric, I remember her well.
Stetson #3. As a Republican, founded Sleep Advertising, Inc., in the Nation's Capital. Thanks to my typing of commercials of my own invention in which Willard Scott played a roll, he landed the Today Show. I counted the days to when America's Birthday Boy salutes my driver's license foto for the whole world to see. Fifteen seconds of fame, mine, all mine! And they say seniors have nuthin to look forward to.
Stetson #4. As a Democrat, looked myself in the mirror one bright and early morn only to see that was "Mr. Pastie" a-starrin me back, "Shazam!" A meat pie I yam, I yam. My dream of many years for everyone to "Pass the Pass-tee!" passed down centuries by The Sleep Family Cornwall," had come true at last! I wasted no time to type my first ad. Finally! I'm my own advertising client. J. Walter Thompson, eat your heart out!
Stetson #5. As an Independent Master of My Own Domain: SeniorSquare dot com. A quarterly undertaking of 6,000 word count - personally typed one word at a time. The wit and wisdom of my life between AARP and HARP! (With "wiggle room" to spare for a Still Small Voice.)
Like the Shadow, "The Mad Hatter Knows!" God's plans for us are too numerous." Yet, my five Stetsons don't exceed the 6-days of creation. No wonder the Lord likes me best. Out of 6 billion people! I respect him for that, don't you?
Seniorously, my better half,
What to Write in a letter to another Senior Citz when the United States of America postage stamp has jumped to 44-cents without notice.
THIS LETTER IS NOT ABOUT TO FINANCE THE VENEZUELAN WAR!
The 3-cent stamp may have paid for WW II. And all the other intermediate stamps since then, the cost of the multiple wars of Korea thru present-day Afghanistan. But 44-cents!!! Com'on. Does America really need a fully-loaded Jeep to catapult them there Mid Eastern camels? Or President Chavez down yonder for that matter?
Seniorously, and patriotically, to the core,
What to Write in a letter to your High School Class of 1947...
SHORE NUFF THE LORD'S GOT THE STUFF!
According to last count, our class president has calculated that half of our class has departed the planet for heavenly shores. The other 50-percent, has to be satisfied staking out Atlantic City in ankle-length swimsuits. Seems the Lord likes the dearly departed best to the rest. You know, those survivors "such as we," and Larry King. Suspenders n all!
Seniorously, 81 'n' counting,
Gar, Year Book Editor, to the very end
AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR:
MY ALTER EGO PIE WHO DOES ME PRETTY PROUD
"Pinch me like a pasty and I can say no more."
--Shakespeare's Merry Wives of Windsor
"PASS THE PASS-TEE!"®
Since 8000 B.C., the Planet's First
MEAL-SIZE Meat Pie Turnover!
From Across the Pond and Across America
Pasty Lovers United!
To the Mr. Pastie Home Bakery
in 'Pasty Town U.S.A.'
And 'MySelects' Available in Stores Everywhere
"Pass the Pass-tee!"®
Passed Down Centuries by
The Sleep Family Cornwall
to Your Family
LUNCH, DINNER, BREAKFAST AND HIGH TEA
‘PICK N CHOOSE’ FROM 58 QUICK-PICKS
ALL HAND-MADE, NATURALLY GOOD,
OVEN-BAKED MEAT PIE TURNOVERS
THE WORLD'S FIRST MEAL-SIZE TURNOVER
IN OUR OWN OLD-WORLD SHORTCRUST PASTRY
SO TENDER AND FLAKY,
EAT THE FINGER-CRIMP ALL UP!
‘Original Traditional’ Beef, Chicken, Ham, Turkey, Sausage,
‘The British Pound’ with Cube Beef,
‘Philly Steak’, Pizza Pasty, Cordon Bleu, BBQ, Burrito, Cajun, Pork & Kraut,
Lobster, Shrimp, Crab,
Veggie Cheddar Melts: 'Spinach Patch', The 7-Veg. 'Mixed Bag'
All-Day Breakfast Egg Melts: Steak, Ham, Sausage, Bacon Bits,
Fruit Pasties: Cherry, Apple, Blueberry
AND THE LIST GOES ON!
SEE 'The Vanishing Art of Pasty Making '
by Our Long-Time Artisans
Open Monday thru Saturday 9AM to 5PM; closed Sundays (see you in church?) and national holidays.
To reach our quaint, little, yellow provincial home bakery in residential Pen Argyl, Pennsylvania, at the foot of the Blue Ridge Mountains. "Just follow the flavor aroma you can taste." Take route 33 to Wind Gap 512N exit; proceed 4 miles to the PNC bank red light and up Robinson Ave.
For more information, please call our bakery at (610) 863-9091. E-mail MrPastie@ee.net
PUT THE "FUN" BACK IN FUNDRAISERS AT WHOLESALE PRICES! Special discounts off our regular prices best assure a good return on your charities’ investment. "Ring us up" and confirm your delivery date soon!
Look for Mr. Pastie in the meat or grocery freezer case of a store near you. Ask the local manager to stock up on your choices. Available for stores in all states: (614) 459=3727
WHERE EVER YOU ARE IN THIS WIDE, WIDE WORLD…CATCH THE NEXT ENGINE LEAVING GRAND CENTRAL STATION T0 "SENIOR SQUARE" ARRIVING GATES:
FACEBOOK! GOOGLE! YAHOO! EXCITE! MICROSOFT MSN! NETSCAPE! AOL! LYCOS! ALTA VISTA! DIRECT HIT! HOT BOT! INFOSEEK! LOOKSMART! MAGELLON! NBCi
NORTHERN LIGHTS! OVERTURE! WEB CRAWLER! AND ON, AND ON, DOWN THE TRACKS!
PASTOR PAUL PIT'S "PICK OF THE PICKS"
Web sites that tell you everything there is to know about the joy and transforming power of Jesus Christ, in more ways than one, but were afraid to ask for fear it would completely change your life. And at your advanced age, heaven forbid, "a new you" would surely become the talk of the town, let alone "Breakfast at McDonalds!" Courage, fellow-old-timer, courage!
About Com Where Septuagenarian Sleep and young whippersnapper, Dave Barry, are fello humor columnists
Annie's Home Page "Blessings and Joy."
Anointed Links (Ahem!) Did Brother Graham say, "Brilliant?"
Barbara's Entourages Dares to call Senior Square a "humor" page!
Best Christian Links Acclaims Senior Square, "wonderful site."
Caring-Angel The motherland lists Square under humor and religion, both!
Christ Sites for a new view on life.
Christian Family Links "Happy to add your wonderful site."
Christian Search You'll find it here.
Christians Unite A rather radical idea.
Christian World Daily Directory of Christian Web sites.
Christians Online Today's party line without the 3 rings.
Church Net UK England on The Square.
Cross Daily Awesome Christian Sites and Senior Square is there!
Dr. Chadwick's Church & Ministry Page Christianity unlimited.
For Our Lord Jesus Christ When you care enuff to send your very best.
Goshen Net The OK church clique click.
The Joy Well The name says it all.
The Missionary Quality Christian sites 'round the world.
Pastor Ed's Very Best Christian Links Senior Square's "wit, wisdom, Spirit of God."
Pastor Jeff's Neighborhood "Don't have to be a senior to enjoy" Senior Square's "slightly warped sense of humor."
Peggie's Friends Senior Square's "A Fun Christian Senior page."
Religious Resources The OK church
Tekton Apologetics "Love" Senior Square.
Fifty Plus and more besides.
Grandpa Chuck Mr. Pastie "Lot's of Family Fun"
Senior Square awarded "5-STAR WEB SITE!" Humor Search
Pardon me, is the Brit in me showing? Humor Links
Over Fifties Onward and upward.
Rememory All the memory you'll ever need.
Seniority UK Gar waxes lyrical bout topical issues & reminisces for 1 and all.
Suddenly Senior Topical humor columns unlimited.
Worldwide Seniors and those in outer space, you know who you are
Your Memories British life 1900-1970 includes scroll down Senior Square!
PLUS Scores More Web Sites Now Link-up With "Senior Square!"
You like? You not? E-mail Gar Sleep: firstname.lastname@example.org
*Yes, reproduce for non-commercial use and distribute to family & friends. For permission & written authority on reproductive commercial use, e-mail:Senior Square
CopyrightÓ 2012 by Gar Sleep, Senior Square magazine for "60-Plus 'R' Us" and others who DARE TO SCROLL THE SQUARE ('cept after dark!)
Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation (NLT), copyright Ó 1996. Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois, 60189. All rights reserved.
Source of other translations indicated accordingly.
Purchase your Bible preferences at a book store near you.
PLEASE E-MAIL SENIOR SQUARE TO YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS
PRINT OUT SENIOR SQUARE NOW FOR READING LATER
EVEN TAKE ALONG ON WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE WITH YOUR KIDS, GRANDKIDS & WORLD AT LARGE
"See You There!"
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